Night and Day

21 03 2008

There are days where I really wish I didn’t have to get out of bed. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been exhausted my whole life and there is an ever pervasive fatigue that sucks all the life out of my, um, life. When weariness gets the best of me, small threads of insidious self doubt start to take hold.

“Maybe I really shouldn’t be home with the girls; I don’t seem to have the energy for it that other women do.”

“How on earth does everyone else do it? How do they take care of their kids, keep the house clean and still say sane?”

“Maybe this really is the most I can achieve.”

“What is wrong with me?”

“Maybe I’m just lazy.”

“Maybe I’m depressed.”

“Maybe I should see my dr. about antidepressants.”

These thoughts (and many, many others) can weigh on my already worn shoulders and bring me down even further.

And then I have a day like Wednesday!

Due to what I can only assume was an act of God, both of my girls slept through the night and let me sleep until 8:25!!! I’ll admit, I woke up several times and contemplated checking on them since sleeping through the night is so unusual for them, but I restrained myself and enjoyed the gift from God! I can’t begin to tell you what a difference that day made. When I woke up, it was with a smile. The birds were singing and the sun was shining and I felt like a completely different person. I sang to the girls as I got them dressed and we all giggled and acted silly. I happily cooked a decent breakfast for Tori and I. I got the girls and I ready and went to the gym without the slightest hint of internal struggle. I couldn’t wait to get the gym and get moving! The Zumba class felt great and I had a blast! The entire day went like this. I started to realize how everyone else accomplishes everything. If I felt like that everyday, I could take on the world!

I know that not everyone feels rested everyday, but I have long suspected that most people simply have more energy at the starting gate than I do. This one day comforted me in that it helped me realize that I’m not depressed, I’m just tired! Even though its frustrating to know that rest and energy are probably always going to be in short supply for me, at least my one day of calm and clarity showed me that I’m not crazy! So even though I’m bleary eyed and guzzling coffee today, a small voice in my head reminds me that I’m the mother of two small children and I do a lot and one day, hopefully, I will feel rested again.

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One response

24 03 2008
Jessica

I’m so glad you got some much needed rest!! Trust me, it does NOT get easier when you have to work all day, and THEN come home and cook, and try to clean and get everything ready. And I only have one child! I can’t imagine doing it with 2, but I know there are tons of women out there who do it with 2 AND go to work. There are days when I contemplate staying home…if only I could!

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